I saw the coffee cup, half empty and still warm, on the small bistro table. The metal chair pushed away from the table haphazardly. A newspaper abandoned in the middle of the table. He must have just left. The barista, busy wiping down tables, eyed me suspiciously with her sidelong gaze making me self-conscious. I wrung my hands, one over the other. He should have been here. He’s always here. 

     I stepped up to the counter and ordered a decaf Hazelnut Latte. I started tapping my fingers nervously on the counter as I waited. The barista sighed heavily, rolling her eyes as she made my order.

     “Is that everything, Ma’am?” She sneered at me, sliding the hot latte towards me.

     “Was there a man sitting at that table over there? Messy blonde hair and a goatee? About six feet tall?” I asked.

     “Maybe. Who wants to know?” She plunked numbers into the cash register avoiding eye contact.

     “He’s my…um…I just need to find him.” I wasn’t exactly sure what you’d call our relationship now. We definitely weren’t a couple any more and if he bolted when he saw me coming, maybe friends isn’t the right word either.

     “Well, Miss, maybe he doesn’t want to be found by you.” She retorted. 

     “I don’t think that is any of your business. Was he here or not?” I said sternly, handing her a five dollar bill. I could feel my blood rumbling under my skin.

     “As you say, it’s none of my business.” She slammed the cash drawer and held out my change. 

     “Keep it. Thanks.” I said politely as I could, nodding my latte towards her, and left. A rude barista was hardly my concern at the moment. I had more pressing issues. 

 

     Rain splattered in the puddles on the broken sidewalk. The street was quiet yet, which I appreciated. I really wasn’t in the mood for people. Across the street on the corner there stood a man under an umbrella. His blue nylon jacket, with damp spots where the umbrella failed to protect, hung off his shoulders in a familiar way. 

     “Thomas!” I yelled without thinking. I scolded myself internally, vying with myself to just go home. I knew I was the last person he wanted to see but I was already making my way towards him.

     He jerked his head around searching for the voice behind the sound of his name. We locked eyes for a split second. Impulsively, I waved a little too eagerly which probably made me seem maniacal considering how we left things. He turned away and disappeared around the corner as if he was vapor, just a foggy vision in the distance. I crossed the street to the spot where he stood, finding nothing but emptiness on a now vacant sidewalk.

 

     I wandered the streets of town in the rain. It was getting late and I was feeling damp, cold and hungry—the trifecta of misery as far as I was concerned—with my thoughts circling around Thomas, obsessively. He was perfect, well...almost perfect. A caring soul with his 9-to-5 job in the newspaper mailroom, which was hardly going to provide the lifestyle I wanted.

     As a child, all I had was an absent father and a depressed mother. She struggled to make ends meet and I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t end up poor and miserable like her. I wanted a life of wealth—attend elegant parties, own a massive home, maybe even a summer home. I dreamed of limos and champaign, gold watches and designer handbags—a comfortable life. 

     Then came Thomas, who drove a mustard yellow gremlin with a rusted out body. A man whose idea of fun was going hiking—usually in horribly humid weather—or volunteering at homeless shelters. He preferred a quiet, little home in the suburbs, toiling away on projects, and a few children running around. I wanted fun, freedom and financial security. It couldn’t work between us, it couldn’t. We were just too different.

     I sluggishly made my way up to my 3rd floor apartment and flopped on the worn out leather sofa. I had to find him. I placed my hand on my belly and caressed it gently. Just then, I felt my stomach churn and I bolted to the bathroom to release the bile. I sat on the cool bathroom floor tile evaluating my life choices. Hours later I woke to the darkness of early morning or the late evening, I’m not sure which. I could barely pry my eyes open but somehow managed to plop myself into bed. 

     Soon after finally falling asleep, the doorbell woke me. The clock beside my bed beamed 10:00 am. “Oh no...” I grabbed my silk robe and carefully rushed to the front door still feeling unsettled and tipsy as if I was out at the bars all night.

     “Yeah?” I said with sleep still in my voice as I looked in the peephole of the door.

     “Mags...are you ok?” Susan stood behind the door. She had been the most supportive since the breakup. More than I deserve, that’s for sure. Others mostly just felt pity for me and were judgmental but Susan empathized with me. She was much more than a co-worker.

     “Susan, yeah. Yeah I’m fine. I just….. overslept. Look, I think I need a sick day.” I willed her to leave as I hunched over myself leaning up against the door still feeling nauseous but, she persisted.

     “You’ve had a lot of sick days lately, Mags. Are you sure you’re ok?” There was silence between us. I was barely able to admit it to myself let alone other people, even Susan. I couldn't tell her I was pregnant.

     “Yeah. I’m fine. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Susan graciously left and I felt guilty for rejecting her kindness. I drug myself back to bed hoping my problems would be gone when I woke up.

 

     A visit to the porcelain bowl early in the morning was becoming a routine I was looking forward to abstaining from soon. In between bathroom emergencies I tried to work and more importantly I tried to track down Thomas. 

     I managed to ward off my morning nausea enough to leave my apartment and take the bus downtown. It had been just a few days since I saw Thomas outside the coffee shop and I thought catching him at work was my best chance. I sat down on the torn vinyl bus seat, sandwiched between an addict with the stench of contraband and a woman who hadn’t showered since 1982. It’s amazing I didn’t vomit all over them. I had never been more relieved to reach a destination in all my life. 

     Standing outside the newspaper where Thomas worked, I felt numb. My brain was coaxing me forward but my body rejected the commands. A fellow co-worker of his exited the building and interrupted my paralysis. I caught the open door and willed myself inward. 

     The office was lined with cubicle walls and every so often heads would pop out from them like a real life whack-a-mole game. Too bad I didn’t have a mallet. I made my way to the back where I knew Thomas was stationed. He stood there hunched over a pile of letters on the counter sorting them in groups. His messy hair seemed extra messy and his shirt was tucked neatly into his jeans. I cleared my throat.

     “Thomas?” I croaked like an old toad. He looked up, grunting in response to my presence.

     “Oh. You.” He said exasperated. 

     “Uh…hi. I’m sorry to bother you at work but….”

     “Please leave.” Thomas continued to sort mail, now whipping letters onto the counter.

     “I need to tell you something.” I started.

     “Leave.” He said. I stared at him, deflated. Maybe now was not the right time. I waited an awkward amount of time thinking maybe he’d give in and hear me out but he didn’t say a word. 

     “But...I…”

     “OUT!” Fearful to make things worse, I turned around and left, hiding the tears welling up in my eyes. I bolted through the buzzing office in stealth mode. When I made it back to my car, the tears rolled down my face. I had no idea how I was going to tell him the news when he wanted nothing to do with me.

                                       ***************

     Several weeks had passed and Thomas was rather elusive as if he entered witness protection. He wasn’t answering his phone and wasn’t returning my messages. I even checked the places he usually visited but I never saw him. I didn't blame him, though.

     One morning, I stopped at the coffee shop we often frequented together and sat in the corner booth reading an expectant mom’s book as discretely as I could. The bitter barista shot daggers at me from behind her counter. She puzzled me. 

     Thomas walked into the shop and approached the till, chatting with the barista who apparently does know how to smile. He ordered his black coffee like always. Unaware of my presence, he stood by my table waiting for his order. 

     “Thomas?” I said quietly. The only thing that moved was the shudder in his shoulder. “Can I talk to you?” I said. He shifted his weight to his other foot, saying nothing. “It’s important. There is something you need to know.” I continued whispering in desperation.

     “Don’t, Maggie, just don’t. Please just leave me alone.” He said, without even looking at me. "You were the one who ended it."

     “I know, I don’t deserve anything from you but this is important. I wouldn’t have been trying to find you if it wasn’t.” I paused and inhaled deeply before I began, “Thomas, I’m...uh... pregnant.” I blurted out in a hushed tone. A few neighboring patrons directed their eyes in our direction perking up to the situation unfolding before them. The barista’s ears in particular perked up. I saw Thomas’ muscles tense and his eyes widened. I wanted him to say something. Anything. 

     “What?” He whispered through gritted teeth, careful not to make a scene.

     “I’m....pregnant....and I...am…scared…and......” I whispered as quietly as I could but I felt like someone had me plugged into a loud speaker.

     “Not my problem.” He still wouldn’t face me. 

     “Well, you might be the father…..I’m…not sure.” I stared at the patterned tile flooring and braced myself for his revolt. “I wondered… if… you would agree to a paternity test?”

     “Unbelievable.” He said stoically, like a cliff standing upright against the swells of the ocean. The barista, in a sweet sing-song voice, called his name “Thomas? Order up!” He grabbed the coffee and walked out the door passing by me and saying nothing. I stood there in the coffee shop, frozen, embarrassed, and alone. What have I done? 

     I sat down in my booth and watched him out the window, feeling remorseful. He stood on the sidewalk in a daze, holding his coffee without a coffee collar. All I could think of was how I have destroyed the heart of a good man. I knew he was hurt by my actions but I didn’t realize how much until that moment, until that look of brokenness flashed in his eyes. He didn’t deserve what I did to him. He only wanted someone to love. He thought that someone was me. He looked shattered, like glass dropped on concrete. I did this to him and my heart broke to watch. He was unmoving, motionless, like a still picture. Staring at nothing in particular. Burning his hand on his collarless coffee cup.

                                       ***************

     I was never good at waiting and hearing nothing from Thomas was torture. It had been weeks and I was going stir-crazy. I didn’t know if that day in the coffee shop would be the last time I’d ever see him or if he needed space to think. 

     One morning, I walked out of my stuffy apartment building with no clear direction. When I reached the corner of the block, I noticed a homeless shelter across the street. The early afternoon sun shined on it as if it were an arrow directing me right to it. I hadn’t noticed it before and it made me question how many other things in my life I have walked past without noticing. 

     On the steps of the building there sat a small girl, probably about seven, playing with a well-loved Barbie doll. Her red-haired braids hung over her shoulders, complimenting the faded pink princess dress she wore. I walked up to her without anything to say.

     “Hi!” She said cheerfully, looking up at me. “Are you going to be a mommy?” She asked, pointing to my obvious baby bump. 

     “Yes, I guess I am.” Was all I could say as I placed my hand on my belly still unsure of why I was there.

     “I love babies!” She squealed with delight, clapping her hands. Just then, a woman’s voice echoed from inside.

     “ANABEL? ANABEL?” The voice said.

     “I’m outside, mama.” She replied.

     “Oh, Anabel!” Her mother said coming outside to join us. She wrapped her arms around the child and squeezed her lovingly. Anabel squirmed but allowed the embrace. “Who is your friend?”

     “Oh, sorry, I’m Maggie.” I said, extending out my hand to her.

     “Maggie. So nice to meet you. I am Jo and this is Anabel. Did you need something to eat? They are just finishing lunch but if you need a place to stay, I’m afraid they have no beds for tonight.” I looked at her confused for a moment before I realized why she thought I was there.

     “Oh. No, I don’t need anything. I live down the street. I was walking by and ….I don’t know…” All the words in my head sounded vain and selfish leaving me feeling awkward. “I should go. Sorry to bother you.” 

     “Don’t be silly, Maggie. Would you like to stay and visit? I’d love to have some adult conversation with another woman. There’s a little too much testosterone in there for me.” Jo offered a smile as she pointed towards the door of the shelter.

     “Uh…I guess I could but ….” I wasn’t sure what was an appropriate response. 

     “Wonderful!” Jo clapped her hands together. I saw where little Anabel got her enthusiasm. “Let’s sit.” Jo wasn’t much taller than me. Her curly hair was pulled back in a bun and she wore jeans and a college team sweatshirt. She spoke so confidently, I felt clumsy in response. I wouldn’t have suspected her to be someone who didn’t have a place to live. 

     We talked for hours, sharing our life stories. I told her all about Thomas and the baby but my problems seemed insignificant compared to what she had faced—a husband who took everything from her, leaving her with no place to live, no income and a daughter to raise alone. And yet she still seemed happy regardless of her circumstances. A pang of guilt hit my gut as I listened to the hardships Jo and her daughter had endured. I felt like a jerk.

     “Can I ask you a question, Jo?” 

     “Sure.” She said.

     “How…um…how are you so… happy? I mean….aren’t you scared…about the future?” I asked as sincerely as I could without being offensive.

     “Sure, I worry, but things have a way of working out. There’s always hope and my little Anabel keeps me focused. If she sees me fall apart, I fear what it would do to her.”

     “She’d end up like me.” I said flatly.

     “What?” Jo asked. “What do you mean?”

     “I was eight when I stayed in my first shelter with my mom. She was depressed and drank a lot after my father abandoned us so we stayed in many shelters over the years. I was happier when we had money and a place to live.”

     “I see. And Thomas didn’t make you happy?” Jo asked with her arm around me, now. The tears welling in my eyes at her motherly touch were almost more than I could bear.

     “Well, we did have a lot of fun together and he always treated me well and made me feel safe but he doesn’t make a whole lot of money so, I don't--” 

     “Maggie, happiness doesn’t come from money. It comes from inside and from the people you share your life with. You’ve never found true happiness because you’ve been seeking out the wrong thing.”

     I must have had quite a look on my face in response. Jo smiled warmly and continued.

     “Some of the richest people in the world are miserable because they think money and possessions will bring happiness. But the joy they experience from obtaining those things is fleeting. It’s not real. It’s a high and nothing more.” Jo explained. Her words hit me like a slap in the face. I sat there listening intently to every word she spoke, like a sponge soaking up every last drop of water. I was so enthralled in our conversation that I didn’t realize how late it was getting.

     “Oh! I better go. I didn’t realize the time.” I said trying to gracefully stand up with my belly in the way.

     “Yes, we need to move along ourselves.” Jo called Anabel to her side. 

     “Where will you go?” I asked with concern.

     “Oh, I’m sure we’ll find somewhere to stay. It’s supposed to be a warm evening.” Jo’s brave face was faltering slightly but I could tell she didn’t want me to notice. 

     “Why don’t you come stay with me? I’d love to have you! You can take a nice bubble bath and sleep in my extra room. You can stay as long as you need.” I offered. I didn’t think twice about it. “It’s the least I could do.” I said, encouragingly.

     “We couldn’t,” Jo looked down at her daughter who was jumping up and down pleading with her mother.

     “Please, mom? I’d love a bubble bath!” Anabel squealed.

     “Jo, as long as you need. What do you say?” I asked.

     “Well…um...ok. Sure. Yes. That’s very kind of you.” Jo stepped in closer to me out of Anabel’s earshot. “Are you sure about this? I mean, you don’t know us.” She said with some concern.

     “I’m absolutely sure.” I said, feeling more confident than usual. There was something about Jo that soothed me and if I walked away from her in this moment, I feared I'd fall apart.

     “C’mon ladies.” I said showing them the way to my apartment. 

                                       ***************

     A few months had passed and I was embracing my right to eat whatever I wanted. But I was also entering the phase of discomfort and swollen ankles. Sitting in the break room at work, I broke out my healthy, pregnancy favorable lunch, and a large bottle of water. I pulled out my expecting a baby book and buried my nose in it. I was so involved in what I was reading that I was startled by a tap on my shoulder.

    “Oh shit!” I jumped up from my seat and dropped my fork on the   floor. I turned around to see Thomas standing there in front of me, looking tired and beaten down. His shoulders drooped and his eyes were heavy lidded and sunken in. 

     “Thomas? What are you doing here?” I asked. By now, I had accepted that he wasn’t going to come around making his visit now completely unexpected.

     “I just came from the clinic.” He paused as if collecting his next words before speaking, “I took the test.” He confessed and pulled a chair across from me and seated himself.

     Choking on my own words, “You did?” 

     “I have to know if I have fathered a child.” He continued, avoiding eye contact. I nodded in silence.

     “You know, Maggie, the first time I saw you, everything else seemed so insignificant. I thought we had a future. I went all in. Then you turned things upside down.”

     “I know. I’m unbelievably sorry.” I didn’t know what else I could say.

     “Jo told me what you did for her and her daughter, Anabel.” Thomas added as he traced imaginary circles on the table with his index finger.

     “Oh, it was nothing…wait…how do you know Jo?” I asked.

     “I volunteer at the shelter where she and her daughter used to stay. I ran into her the other day and she told me where she was staying and how you’ve helped her.” He exhaled in disbelief.

     “Oh.” I said breathlessly. “You know I didn’t have a great childhood, Thomas. We were poor and my mother was miserable. And, well, Jo’s been helping me through it. Did you know she’s a therapist?” I said.

     “Really?” He replied, with a slight smirk, leaning his forearms on the table with interest.

     “Oh, right, of course you probably knew that." My face felt warm. "I was eight when I stayed in my first shelter. That experience taught me that money equaled happiness. I thought it was the only way I knew how to by happy. Since then, all of my relationships have been driven by money and every single one ended poorly, leaving me worse off than before. And then I met you. You were so different and made me feel something that I didn’t know I was missing. I was just too stubborn to realize it at the time. When things started getting too serious, I panicked. I lashed out in one of the worst possible ways. I realize now that I had been focusing on the wrong thing.” I looked at his stoic face searching for the slightest indication of approval.

     “I had no idea, Maggie. Why didn’t you tell me?” Thomas said leaning forward on the table between us.

     “I don’t exactly enjoy sharing that part of my past with people and I didn’t think it mattered. Truthfully, I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing.” I said. I felt a jab into my ribs that made me gasp out loud.

     “Oh! Are you ok?” Thomas said with the slightest light flickering in his eyes. I nodded as I rubbed my side.

     “Thomas, I’m so sorry for everything, for cheating on you and announced it to all of your friends at that party. For telling everyone you meant nothing to me." I hung my head feeling ashamed. "I regret that most because it wasn’t even true.” I looked at him with sincerity that I didn’t even know I had in me. I felt another jab in my ribs and yelped again.

     "Are you sure you're fine?" Thomas asked with concern.

     “Yeah, I’m fine. He’s just running out of room and trying to evict my internal organs.” Thomas smirked at the thought. “Would you like to feel him move?” I offered. He hesitated at first but I assured him it was ok. He nodded and placed his hand on my abdomen. 

     “You know it’s a he?” Thomas asked. His voice sounded lighter than moments ago.

     “No. I am not going to find out until he arrives. I just feel like it’s a he.” Thomas said nothing but sat there with his hand glued to my belly. This was nice. This was the best moment I’ve had with Thomas in months. I didn’t realize how much I missed him. We both sat there in silence, both of us processing what this all means or if it even means anything. 

     “Is that why you never wanted to come with me?” He asked.

     “What?” I replied confused.

     “To the shelter. Because of your past, is that why you never wanted to come?” 

     “I guess it was on some level. I didn’t really know the reason why at the time.” We sat there silently waiting for the baby to move who apparently was not willing to do so on demand. I could tell Thomas was starting to feel uncomfortable.

     “I think I’m gonna go. Um….they said they’d know the results in a few days. We should get a call.” Thomas stood up suddenly, looking a little flushed and nervous, running his hands through his tousled hair. He pushed his chair back to where he found it. Without another word, he left. My stomach started fluttering but for entirely other reasons than morning sickness. 

                                       ***************

     The next couple days drug on as if they were months before the phone finally rang. I answered, saying nothing other than ‘Hello?’ After I hung up, I sat on my sofa and cried. I picked up the phone, again. 

     “Thomas?”

     “I’m on my way over.” He said and hung up. I sat there motionless, just staring at the coffee stain on the corner of the living room carpet which I intended to clean but never did because the cleaner make me nauseous. Moments later Thomas was knocking on the door.

     “Maggie.” He said as I opened the door.

     “Thomas.” My heart fluttered in my chest as he entered my apartment. “Look, I don’t expect you to…” 

     “I want to be apart of his life.” He said with a softness in his voice, not letting me finish my sentence. Tears filled my eyes. Probably just hormones, I told myself.  

     “Great! That’s really...really...great. And…..what about me?” I asked. “Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”

     “I dunno….maybe… but right now, I can’t offer more than to be this baby’s father.”

     My heart rose into my throat, making it hard to swallow.

     “How about we start with a cup of coffee and go from there.” He offered.

     “I’d like that except I'll have tea.” I smiled.